So, it has definitely just been one of those "blah" days. I think the crummy weather and being stuck indoors all day has something to do with it. Anyway, i have been thinking about making this post for a couple of days but have just now worked up the courage to do it. I just feel like I will feel much better when i get it off my chest, and all of you beautiful strong girls have really inspired me! Not a lot of people really know about this (including my current boyfriend) but I am in recovery from an eating disorder. It is something that I know I have come along with, but I would be lying if I said that it is something that is not CONSTANTLY on my mind...and it has really been on my mind today.
It really started out of the blue, one day I was care free and would eat what I wanted without a thought in my mind about it. I had no idea what a "calorie" was or how many I should be eating in a day. Then one day I went to the doctor for a sore throat and when they told me how much I weighed (which was only 115lbs.) I just started bawling, because I had never weighed that much in my life, I am pretty short and have always been just naturally little. When I heard this number I freaked out! I started reading articles on how to lose weight and learning how many calories I needed to eat and how many I needed to burn. I also started working out for almost 2 hours a day. I wanted to lose 10 pounds to get back to the weight that I was at before. But of course it didnt stop at just 10 pounds. I became obsessed. I can honestly say that I didnt ever really consider myself to have an "eating disorder" I never completely stopped eating, but I just was not eating enough and working out wayyyy too much. In only about 6 months I had reached my lowest weight of 75lbs. One day I was on my way to work after eating dinner with my parents and I just broke down crying because I thought that I had eaten too much. I knew that I had to get help, I couldnt do it by myself, and I had to admit that I DID have a problem. I called the counseling office at my college while driving to work and when they asked me what it was concerning I said it for the first time outloud "an eating disorder" I instantly felt better just giving into it and admitting that I needed the help. Since then I have been in counseling for almost a year and have gotten back up to a healthy weight and even gotten my period back. All of the people that struggled with me through that time constantly tell me how proud they are of me, and I am proud of myself as well. But, it is something that I still feel like I have not completely recovered from. I still count calories in my head, I am still scared of gaining more weight, I still eat consciously. It is something that some days I am awesome and fine and love my healthy body now, and some days all those feelings and anxieties come back. The real reason that I started this blog is because I read all of yours that are about recovery and I knew that it was something that I wanted to be open about as well. Everyone in this blogging community has really given me the courage to be more open about my recovery and I just love how everyone is so supportive and strong.
Ok, that is it. Now you know and I feel better for getting it out there. I have so many things to be thankful now, a college degree, an AWESOME boyfriend, and a strong support system in my friends and family, but it is something that I am still recovering from and still struggle with sometimes. I just had to get that out, sorry for being such a downer, but you girls really have inspired me to talk more openly about it! so, thank you.
"Our greatest glory consist not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."