So, as you guys know the past couple of days have really been a struggle for me, well heck we will go ahead and say the past couple of months have been a struggle for me. Im caught in a cross roads at a very strange time and have been hit with the harsh reality that I have to make a decision, things have to change. As much as I would love to stay in the routine of what is comfortable and "safe" for me, it is no longer possible to do that. And that happens sometimes, its life and if there are not bumps in the road and hard decisions to make, then you are not fully living it.
It hit me hard during my run today. My mind just started to wonder and I started trying to work everything out in my head. I came to the conclusion that most of the things that I am struggling with are a result of one thing : fear of the change, of something new. It has been something that I have seen around a lot of the blogs lately too, and it definitely is a major theme in the road to recovery from ED. Fear of the unknown, its always gotten to me. Im afraid of new relationships because I have been hurt in the past, I am afraid of new jobs because I might not like them, I am afraid to step outside of the comforts that I have worked so hard to build up in my everyday life. But here is what hit me, just out of now where today while I was pondering all of this - sometimes things just HAVE to change, sometimes its for the better and sometimes not...but things will always fall into place. I can not hold on to something for forever, what good would that do? I have to let go of the past and start on a new road. Sure, things were great on that old road that I have been on for so long, but some things weren't. Now there is a new road, a new chapter that I have to embrace and leave the other one behind. Yes, it could have its bumps as well...but I am fully confident that it will have its smooth spots too.
Then, just like I was meant to find this, one of my friends sent me a quote on my phone that I just so happened to read right after my run. It hit so close to home that I was almost in tears while reading it. From what I have been reading in a lot of other blogs about fear of change, I thought that a lot of you may be able to relate. So here it is:
"Change. It can be the most amazing thing, or the worst heartache. So much is different since last week, and then I think back to last month... And I see a picture hanging up from last year. I see me and my friends laughing and I miss them, I miss then. Then I think about how great life is now and I wonder why I miss back then. I think the uncertainty of the moment right now and wondering whats next can be fearful... But aren't you excited to think about the potential of tomorrow? The anticipation of looking back a year from now at the pictures you'll take next week is worth waking up for. No matter how miserable a situation may seem, you can always find hope in the fact that it too will soon change. And although you might miss a moment or a feeling from the past, you still always have the chance to feel it again. Take advantage of your chances, there are some things you don't want to regret."
Everything about this just fit my situation to a tee. I have been afraid to leave my old job because of the fun times and the people that I love there, but who is to say that I wouldn't experience all new great things in a new place? I have been afraid to start a new relationship because I am afraid that I would never fell love again like before and that I would be hurt again, but I have to break down that wall and realize that there is a chance to feel that again, if I don't hold myself back from it. I have been so scared of this change that I have let it just eat at me, but why? change is scary, but its good. It means that my life is GOING somewhere, not just sitting still.
So I'm going to face this change head on...I'm going to go down this new path full speed ahead. I want new experiences, new people, new places, ect. I'm ready...lets see whats down this road...bring it on.
Change of subject...ask and you shall receive...wanna see the new boy?!
Did I mention that he is a foot taller than me?! haha. Also, this picture is from a while back, not from the games yesterday...but i just had to show a picture of him! :)
The game was fun. My sister came with me, so I got to spend quality time with her as well, which is always good. Obviously since I had to put up an old picture I didn't steal of pic of Lucas yesterday. But I did get a shot of him playing:
He's the pitcher ;)
And me and the sissy
Now, time for lunch, shower, work...and hopefully Lucas is coming in for a SECOND weekend. Can't get enough of me?!....perhaps....or maybe its just Easter. haha.
Hope everyone has a great day! Lots of Love, <3 Ems.